Love will never leave us ...

My bed still smells like my boyfriend, yum yum lol 

 Being a mom is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I wanna raise Ezekiel my way but its hard when I know his dad parents him differently. It’s frustrating feeling like you’re loosing control of your own child’s life. I just want the best for him & i feel like only i can give him that. I feel like I’m in a constant battle of who is the better parent. I get sad when Ezekiel favors his dad over me, I don’t understand why. He probably will never realize it until he’s older. I think he’s spending too much time with his dad now days, his attitude totally changes when he comes back from his house. I need to get everything settled in court.  Im doing the best that i can, yeah i may not have a job, house, etc handed to me like his father but i make ends meet. Ezekiel is happy, fed, clothed & we live with a very loving & supported family. Everything I give Ezekiel will be from what i earned on my own. School is a long process but i’ll make it. I have no other choice. I hope I can be as good of a mom as my mom was to me. She is the true meaning of success. Now re-living her struggles as a young mom trying to get on her feet I have gained so much more respect for her. I truly believe in this saying “you are not raising children, you’re raising adults”.  I feel bad for my grandparents. Their marriage is suffering because of their son. No one wants to get help. I feel helpless watching my grandma deal with things she shouldn’t even need to, my grandpa being disrespected constantly. They don’t get enough appreciation for everything they do.  My heart hurts for them, its been like this ever since i can remember. They are the nicest, most loving & giving people i know! Why do bad things happen to good people? Im to the point where i can’t sit back and just watch. I wanna do something, I wanna help them but i don’t know what exactly to do maybe go to the hospital myself to ask a doctor for advice. Next semester I’m moving to hilo & i feel bad leaving them. It’s not fair they can’t live a normal life, their both retired its time for them to enjoy life. This weekend is Rocky’s funeral. It’s going to be a sad day. In all honesty I don’t even wanna go I’m not good with death & funerals. Its always been my biggest fear. On top of that I don’t want to remember him like that. I remember the last time i seen him,  & thats how i wanna always remember him. living, happy & alive! Theres no point in funerals to me, its only the persons body not their spirit. I believe he’s in a better place now & watching over our whole family. God works in weird ways. I never understood why god puts us through so much pain, sometimes theres a reason sometimes there isn’t.  I’ve been though a lot, i don’t think anyone could understand unless they were in my shoes. Mel is the only person who truly understands…sort of… Looking back at my life Im not proud of my past I have my reason for doing the things i did but it’s no excuse. Im ashamed of the things i did but i can’t regret it. Im at a good place in my life now. Motivated, a Mother & in love with an amazing guy(he’s probably gonna read this & think I’m a even more of a weirdo lmao) I never thought i’d find someone that accepts me & all my flaws. I don’t think I’m easy to love. I think there are more things wrong with me than right, i honestly think he can do way better than me but he still chooses me. Theres so many things i love about him I can’t explain it all but one thing big thing is that he treats my son as his own. They have a great relationship.  Being long distance isn’t easy but he makes it worth it. I noticed that everyone important to me in my life is far away. My boyfriend is on oahu, my best friend is in San Diego, my mom is in Virginia. Why can’t everyone i love just live in one place?!?! On the bright side I’m still able to maintain strong relationships with all of them. The miles are the only thing that separate us. Although sometimes i feel like theres  a lot wrong with my life, I still need to thank god for all the good that i have going on. Well getting tired, this is the longest blog I ever wrote. Feels good to get all my thoughts out though lol…. Goodnight xoxo